I’m not quite sure how, but I landed on a private detective site called Advanced Surveillance Group, Inc. (ASG) – a company specialized in investigating cheating and marital infidelity. All I know is I started off reading an article about health and ended up on Oprah.com. But then again, Oprah’s got an entire section dedicated to relationships and pretty much everything that has anything to do with them; the good, the bad and the ugly. I suppose that one related article lead me to the next, and…here we are!

I have no interest in going into the whole relationship and cheating thing, not to mention all the psycho babble (although it’s not really nonsense) that comes with it – it’s not what this piece is about. All I will say is that: 1) infidelity comes in many forms: from a one night drunken mistake to a long term, calculated affair. 2) Regardless of what, why, how or where, the act will have a long term impact on the relationship.

And 3) people cheat for many reasons. Some do it for the thrill or excitement; others to build self-esteem or feel desirable; many because they want to get out of a relationship and don’t know a better way to communicate it; some people even do it as a cry for help to indicate that something is seriously off with the relationship to begin with; and some, out of boredom or plain old revenge… regardless of why, the bottom line is simple and we all know it: being unfaithful is wrong, hurtful, shitty, dishonest…but unfortunately it happens and always will – and most of the time, people (or in this context, men) will get caught – somehow, somewhere! Don’t get me wrong, women cheat too, but this article doesn’t really care about that.

What I found interesting and maybe ironic for a company that investigates infidelity, is the heads up they give men by telling them 36 things they need to think about before they cheat. It could just be a way to discourage them from straying, which would make more sense; but then again, if more men were to remain faithful, ASG’s business would somewhat suffer – after all, they make a living catching those people that aren’t goody-goodies! Either way, the list is rather extensive and includes some funny but somewhat truthful facts.

So, in the spirit of sharing, nittyGriddy created its’ own humorous – yet with a bit of truth – version of things to consider before you (men) decide to cheat on your spouse and jeopardize everything you’ve built together. A sort of “cheat sheet”, if you will :). [It’s an addition to or a mix and match with ASG’s]

To consider while reading: Laugh if you want to, believe if you care to, comment if you need to; but most importantly: take with a grain of salt. After all, everyone’s different and so are their reactions.

1. Women’s intuition is real and often right on the mark: if a woman thinks her spouse or partner is cheating on her, there are usually good reasons for her to think that way. It’s almost like a 6th sense; it’s not based on solid facts, but rather on a deep gut feeling that tells her whether something is or isn’t.
2. Women have an advanced sense of smell and sight: here’s the thing boys: a woman smells another woman’s perfume from miles away. So if you plan on coming home smelling like X when your wife wears Y, then your ass deserves a screaming beating. Because if you were in a bar or club, then you would pretty much smell like smoke, beer or sh***, but definitely not perfume! Here’s another thing: you generally don’t do laundry yourself. That means, if your shirt’s got some random makeup or lipstick mark on it, your wife is gonna’ notice it before you do.
3. If you’re dumb enough to cheat in a public place, odds are that you will be spotted: it’s a small world guys, and even smaller if you live where I do! There’s always that chance that someone you know, or who knows your girlfriend, will see you. And we all know how simple it is to snap a pic with a phone and how quickly juicy gossip spreads.
4. The friend you tell today, will rat you out at some point tomorrow: I know that sharing conquests can be exciting for men (and sometimes women) but be careful who you tell. Why? Because there are 3 types of male friends: 1) the type that wants to bang your girl 2) the type that’s a just good person in general and 3) the type that looks up to you (or even envy’s you) and tells their other friends how ‘cool’ you are…
5. STD’s exist: they’re mean, they’re sticky and they’re real! There are a lot of skanky women out there, some even carry std’s! So if you’re planning to be ‘double dumb’ by cheating and doing it unprotected, then by all means, enjoy the painful side effects that gonorrhea, chlamydia, crabs…have to offer. Not to mention the pain you’ll be feeling if your wife catches something because of you.
6. Some women are a bit nuts: yes, believe it or not, even the hot, sexy ones! There’s all kinds of unbalanced women out there. The thing to remember is that some women can TICK! Just imagine if the one you cheat with turns out to be a stalker and the one you cheated on (who will eventually find out) goes a bit crazy – in a psychotic kind of way. Women, in an effort to get even when they’ve been hurt or deceived, have a tendency to go after your prized possessions – like your car, bike, boat, whatever… You could end up with some artistic graffiti on your car – like this guy:
7. Women see text messages: it’s like a super sonic female radar that beeps when you get an SMS from another woman. Most women have revolving eyes in the back and sides of their heads! Oh, that also goes for strange numbers that call at the wee hours of the night. Good luck going back to sleep!
8. Most women like to be number 1: it may be that you get lucky and that the girl you hooked up with wants nothing more. But in general, women always want more! That means if she’s not satisfied with just that one night stand or if she thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread, she will secretly [or publicly – depends on the nut factor] chase you and create problems.
9. Seeing more than one woman at the same time, will cost you twice as much: no explanation needed here!
10. Keep your story straight: women are like human polygraphs, private investigators, criminal prosecutors and analysts combined! They will tear your story apart in a heart beat. They will ask more questions that a 4 year old child to get to the bottom of every detail and they will analyze everything and try to find gaps in your story. If you blink, twitch, cough or sneeze, she’ll know something’s up. Therefore, if you’re dumb enough to cheat, chances are that you’re not smart enough to get away with it by lying!
    

    You may also want to avoid looking like this guy during the interrogation. You're just making it easier for her to read you!

11. Your girlfriend will cheat on you to get back at you: probability is that 1) he will be better looking than you, 2) he could be your friend 3) she’ll never tell you about it 4) her and her friends will talk about it and 5) you’ll never know. Women are just better at being discreet – just like men are usually better at math or science. That’s just the way things are. Accept it! So if you think your ego and cerebral cortex can’t handle the idea of your woman fornicating with someone else, then don’t do it FIRST!
12. The trust will be broken – forever: if you care enough about your girl and want to patch things up with her, she may just forgive you – depending on the effort and groveling that you do, of course. But, remember this: unless she’s hit with some sort of sudden amnesia, she won’t forget. Let me rephrase that: WOMEN NEVER FORGET! And know that if you do continue your relationship, things will be different and she will have trust issues with you. After all, you kind of deserve it!
13. Women like to know the details: if you decide to come clean and tell her the truth, she will want to know all the nitty-gritty or even sordid details. Of course, they will be tough to tell and even tougher to hear! And although she’ll be even more pissed and hurt by knowing them, she will want to anyways. Maybe it’s a kind of masochistic behavior, I don’t know; but keep in mind that whatever you tell her you did with the other woman, she may no longer want to do with you! The thought of it could be disgusting enough for her to abstain from all sorts of pleasurable things.
14. Her family and friends will dislike you: your girlfriend’s family and friends also have a memory. But what’s worse, is that their memory lasts even longer than hers. So although she may forgive you, there’s a big chance that they won’t and will continue to hate dislike you! And if not you personally, they will at least hate what you did to her and continuously remind her of it.
15. You will pay for it: any which way, you will pay a dearly price. Because like I said before, women don’t forget! That means, if you have a child together, you will pay support (depending on the country you live in). If you befriend the nanny or the single neighbor, she will consider putting hidden cameras in and around the house. If you even look at another woman in a particular way, she will eyeball you to death or possibly throw a tantrum. If you notice her looking at another man, she will remind you of how that “soooo does not even begin to compare to what you did!” If you stay late at the office, she will call you ten times and listen carefully for unfamiliar female voices and background noises. If you’re not in the mood for sex and she is, she will assume that there is someone else – again! If you leave the room to talk on the phone, she will be suspicious and want to know who is on the other end of the line…I think you get the idea.

Note: I am not a shrink nor do I claim to be an expert on relationships, men or marital affairs. But I am a woman! So what you do from here, is up to you; but you can’t say I didn’t warn you ;)!

If you’d like to see ASG’s list of “36 things a guy should know before he cheats”, click here.

Can you think of any more? Post your comments.

[images credit: (cheating sign) www.dbtechno.com; (car) www.dumb.com; (lipstick shirt) www.armchairadvice.co.uk; (confused man) Shelton Personal Training]